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Just in Time For Christmas: Ape Wrapping Tips |
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December 6th, 2009 What has your experience been each Christmas season? If you're gift-wrapping ventures result in anything like what is pictured above then you've come to the right place! Most men, and pretty much everyone living in the Oaf Bound North, do a horrible job wrapping presents, and usually cringe at the thought of having to perform this task. What Quackmondo is offering you here is a way out, a way to continue wrapping presents in a consistently abysmal fashion, while deflecting the blame to an anonymous source. Imagine if you will, that a store at the local mall has decided to staff it's gift wrapping department entirely with apes? You can easily give that impression by simply attaching one of the "Ape Wrapping" disclaimers conveniently printed below to every gift you so hideously wrap this year. Merry Christmas and Happy Ape Wrapping!!! |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: This package was professionally wrapped by apes still giddy over newly acquired opposable thumbs. |
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Cut these out and attach them to every present you wrap this year! |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: This professionally wrapped package may still contain bits of fur and saliva following a bitterly unsuccessful experiment gone badly wrong by an ape whose wrapping aspirations towered over his manual dexterity. |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: A towering, shaggy ape struggled for hours to wrap these gifts, fighting through the sweat and spittle that dissolved many a sheet of tissue that he had attempted to grasp with the two great spatulae he presumptuously referred to as hands. |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: Seeking to inspire the group of apes wrapping this gift, a large motivational poster featuring a picture of an opposable thumb was prominently displayed. It was then that a great wailing cry arose in the gift department. |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: The tissue paper you see in this bag is but a tiny fraction of the paper used in this wrapping task. The rest, well – it's now a huge pile of shreddings the ape in question left on the floor, which he later crawled into to privately express his grief. |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: Pathetically wrapped by an ape that sobbed huge, hot, wet, salty tears of rage and disappointment, even as the taunts of human children were replayed again and again in his belabored brain, “are those hands, or just paddles.” |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: The packaging for this present was recycled with very little difficulty from the twelve-foot pile of debris that resulted from one ape’s brief but brilliantly disastrous foray into the high-pressure realm of competitive origami folding. |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: This package was professionally wrapped by an ape upon whose grimacing facial muscles a beatific, bemused expression is sometimes seen to play as he wistfully recalls dim memories of a career in brain surgery that collided one day with the jagged outcroppings of reality, even as he wields huge, plowshare-like hands over a disturbing heap of wrapping paper, tape and ribbons. |
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Ape Wrapped Package Disclaimer: The ape that had just completed wrapping this package ran screaming from the room and straight into a forklift. Visiting hours at the Rhinoplasty Intensive Care Unit are from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. I hope you’re satisfied! |
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Ape Wrapped Package Haiku Disclaimer:
Back room at the mall They hired an ape for wrapping Large, sullen tear drops |
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